Do other women get depressed over this kinda stuff?

Another mommy on our mailing list was venting today and said this:

My husband mentioned how he hates to see that I am
not happy. I am happy (ok, a little depression & hormones hit
every now and then and I do greatly appreciate my life but I am
always trying to add more or do more.... I want to volunteer in the
community, improve my environmental inpact, meet new women, do more crafts,
improve our home - little by little. This does not mean I'm not happy
- I'm just not happy when I am sitting idle..... so, he sites my
recently buying some organic foods as an example of how I jump around from
issue to issue.... I feel like I put so much of myself quietly
aside so as not to rock any boats in this house, this life - I want so badly to
buy organic and do things right environmentally - but I don't because of the
expense. And I don't say anything either. And then I feel like
I am losing myself.....And now no one is talking to each other - over something
so stupid!

I felt like I had to write her back, and it just sorta grew into this huge post from there! I have yet to find out who I am, and what makes me tick, and what my "purpose" here is. How many other women are just watching life go by, and not really enjoying or experiencing it?

I don't know what "happiness" really is, watching Oprah and this whole "The Secret" stuff is fascinating to me, but part of me holds back thinking, well of course Oprah is happy - what the hell could possibly depress her on a daily basis? I mean come on... she's now thin, and has gobs and gobs of money, and her own tv show, magazine, and now a school for gawds sake! How could she NOT be happy with all that?

There must obviously be something to "like attracting like", because for so long, I told myself that I was fantastically productive, and that I could make money hand over fist, and I did.. while I was doing it. When the kids came along, the chatter in my head started changing - it was more like "How on earth am I possibly going to cope"... "I'm going to be overwhelmed"..."my life is going to suck".... AND NOW, lo and behold, I seem to be right in the middle of each of those.

What confuses me, is HOW do you turn it around? How can you start thinking positive, healthy thoughts, when you're so negative, twisted and angry inside? Please someone, tell me!!! Intellectually, I realise that it probably works, but how do I start it? Being at home full time, with my kids, and living on a teachers salary, wondering what I'm supposed to do with myself, MY life, MY dreams, and loving and raising a happy, healthy family, is overwhelming me, and making me constantly anxious.

I too am an organic shopper, however, now that we're down to a one income family, there's just some stuff I won't / can't pay the extra money for.

I never understand why organic & healthy eating is soooo expensive. It costs me a fortune when I go to Whole Foods. I've now come to feel that for some products, you just don't need to buy organically (unless you FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THE WHOLE PROCESS). I wouldn't consider myself a hard core activist or anything, but I do try to recycle, and I'd like for my family to eat healthy products.

Stuff like bananas & Avocados - I still buy those at the regular grocery store - because we're taking the skin off, and they each have super thick skins, so the chances of pesticides penetrating the fruit, are slim to none - right?

I always buy organic for eggs (and yes these wind up being twice or three times more the price of regular old eggs), but the idea that these cute, fluffy, clean chickens are roaming around a big open field, and not being shot up with antibiotics etc., is floating around in my mind someplace!

My milk is always organic - I don't need the growth hormones adding to my already fairly large & bulky behind, and my kids drink soy milk. Things like fish & meats are always organic for the same healthy reasons.

All of our whole wheat pasta, cereals, whole wheat breads, salad mixes, and other fruits & veggies - like apples, grapes (and stuff we eat with the skin on), potatoes & onions are organic.

I'm obviously not the world's best activist - I use the regular grocery store to buy the triple thick toilet paper, brawny kitchen towels, pine sol, and floor cleaner, dried lentils/beans, canned tomatoes, spaghetti sauce, Edy's fruit pops, and stuff like dog food, and cat litter etc.,

My MIL asked last night if I'd like her mink fur coat - I acted horrified and said that I wasn't really the fur coat kinda girl, and didn't want to wear a dead animal hide on my back. Just now she sent me a photo and said I should try to ebay it - because she bought it in Europe, has worn it once, and it was $8K ~ so now I'm thinking that I have no problem selling it & looking at it in the photo - it is actually really nice looking... Obviously my activism is selective.

Really having to use a budget now for shopping, not only depresses me, but has WAY curtailed my "craft" trips & "target" trips. I no longer just go off to buy the kids stuff at toys r us, and instead of buying them Barney & Thomas DVDS, I've started setting up the tivo to record those daily episodes on WETA & our other cable channels!! I've also found Craigslist! It does however make me feel kinda dumb, I mean I don't really know how to "save" money, unless you have lots of it left over from paying your bills. At this point in our life, we certainly don't have anything left over. I don't know how to "coupon" or "sale" shop. I looked through the coupons today - I don't buy most of the stuff that they had coupons for. I don't think I've ever seen anything on sale at Whole Foods Market, and they certainly don't have 10 for $10 deals.

I think trying to improve your home is always worth your time, and money - hopefully saving your receipts so when you eventually sell, you can show what you've put into the house or landscaping. I desperately need new family room carpet, (although in 6 years that we've been here it's been replaced at least 6 times, but not at all in the last two yrs)... and for some reason, almost all of our double glazed windows, have the seals broken inside of them, and they're foggy - but I don't have an extra $20,000 to replace them, and it totally depresses me -- (and why do I have a husband, who has no idea HOW COME THIS HAPPENS, or how to fix them himself!!)

My husband however certainly doesn't get depressed over silly things like that. My husband could care less if the dogs track mud into the carpet, or if he does with his rugby cleats. It's just not a big deal. It's no big deal to have the kitchen floor feel sticky when you walk across it. It's certainly nothing to get upset with him over... BUT It IS A BIG DEAL TO ME, and things like that for some reason are what depress me & put me in a bad bloody mood.

I've spent this morning yet again, changing beds, vacuming, and mopping the floors. When I was done, my daughter spilled her entire cup of juice all over the kitchen floor, so I had to re-do it. I was making home made lentil soup this morning in the crock pot for lunch, and the kids decided it would be fun to take all the chick peas out of their bowls at lunch, and throw them across the kitchen... AAARRRGGGH!!!

For me, I have to learn to not talk about things right there and then and in the heat of the moment. I TRY desperately to keep my mouth shut and fume inside -- however, most of the time I just flip - like a switch. Booooom - and off I go on a rant. I hear myself doing it, and I just can't bloody stop! I hate myself afterwards, and I TRY TRY TRY like in a few days and when we're alone, to sit close together, holding each other's hands, and taking turns to talk. The way I hear *most* adults are able to do. I don't know why I can't censor myself at the time of the event, and I don't understand my impulse control switch, and where it is, so that I could scale it back, or turn it off altogether!

I realise also that we all have good days, and bad days. The hardest thing for me has been losing the means with which to support not only myself, but my whole family, and losing my independance of doing what I want, when I want, and losing almost an entire phone book of friends who don't have kids!!! I almost feel "trapped" at times.

Before our kids, my husband and I led our joint life together, and then also led these independant lives by ourselves. He had his rugby & football, and workouts, and I had my going wherever the mood took me - Sedona AZ to a spa, Tahoe for skiing, NYC to shop, and off I'd go after organizing a few girlfriends into it. I would spend oodles of weekends at the beach every summer, drinking, tanning, antique shopping... and sometimes a whole week went by without seeing my husband. I personally think that SOOOOO helped our marriage - we were so excited when we saw one another again. I also would come home to a clean house, because the housecleaner and I would arrange our schedules that way!

I want nothing more than to just hop online and buy a ticket to vegas and go gamble, shop and see a few shows. It depresses me knowing I would first have to save up some extra money, find daycare, sort life out for everyone, and possibly even fly my inlaws here before I could just go take off. Do I sound like a total bitch? Am I just totally materialistic?

It pisses me off that now not only am I the housekeeper, the one who primarily raises the children, and the one who makes sure everyone elses' needs are taken care of, but I don't see it getting better anytime soon. That's depressing & stressful.

I don't know that I don't want to be Betty Crocker, or June Cleaver, or if it's really more that I can't possibly live up to that "ideal" - I don't know how to do most of these "mommy" and "wifey" things. I can't bake my own cake, and sometimes dinner is microwavable. That makes me feel like a failure as a mother, and therefore stresses me out even more!! It's like a vicious circle!

Anyone have any comments or advice to add?